Handshakes and Other Pissing Contests

The rules of engagement are clear….the two protagonists approach each other, right hands outstretched, they clench palms and the battle is on.  Whoever emerges with the upper hand wins.  That’s where the expression “the upper hand” comes from. No, it’s not arm-wrestling, though you can be forgiven for thinking so.

This battle royal is a simple handshake.

It’s supposed to be just a greeting, a way of setting the other guy at ease, a way of saying, “Look, I come empty-handed, no weapons! You can relax now.” But it seldom works out like that. Why? Because there’s a lot riding on this greeting. It sets the ground rules for how the relationship will continue, or at least that’s what men have thought for years.  So just how much can one little handshake convey?

The Power Struggle
With this type of handshake, your aim is to be the person with their hand on top. The problem is the other guy also thinks he should be on top, so it twists back and forth and can get quite nasty, especially when brute strength comes into play.  Whoever comes out with their palm facing downward and their opponent’s palm underneath, even just a little bit, is the victor, making the other guy, of course, the loser.  If you want your clients to feel like losers the instant you first meet them, then this is the one to use.

The Limp-Wrister
You reach out confidently to shake their hand and from first grasp, they go all weak at the wrist. You’re left doing all the work and they’re grudgingly along for the ride.  You may as well be shaking hands with a soft toy for all the input you’re getting.  What this handshake is saying, loud and clear, is that the possessor of the limp wrist is weak. They’re not inclined to action and are the sorts of people who cock their pinkie finger even when sipping coffee from a mug.  But be careful about jumping to conclusions, because many women, especially older ones, have been taught that this is the polite way to shake hands. They also use it as a defence mechanism against the bone crusher.

The Bone-Crusher
Oh what a manly man! This is the real tough guy of handshakes. This is the guy who made it to the top of the heap in the football team, or the guy you want on your side in a bar-room brawl. You can depend on him to use brute strength as his answer to everything….or at least that’s what he wants you to believe. Your hand is captured in a vice grip and squeezed until you can almost feel your tiny bones snapping one by one. These types of handshakes are often delivered by men of shorter stature who secretly feel inadequate. This is not to say that other people don’t try it on. I’ve even had a woman or two deliver the bone-crusher. They all left me feeling exactly how they set out to make me feel, fearful and intimidated. They also left me feeling resentful and extremely keen to prove that brains beat brawn every time. So far, I win.

The Top Dog
You don’t have a choice with this guy. He extends his hand palm down and you have no option but to submit right from the start. Sneaky little bugger, isn’t he? I playfully slap him on the back of the hand like he’s a naughty schoolboy, but I can get away with that.  Closely related to the Humble Servant.

The Humble Servant
Women are very good at this one. They extend their hand as though expecting you to go down on one knee and kiss it as would any humble servant.  What options do you have without appearing churlish? You could grasp those delicately extended fingers and draw them to your lips. Yeah, right! Grab their fingertips and shake them instead, not too vigorously though, remember that whichever their gender, this is a Lady you’re dealing with.

The Wet Fish
A primitive part of you wants to feel sorry for the guy who delivers the soppy palm, expecting to shake hands and be taken for an equal, then of course, reality bites and you just feel damp and slightly disgusted.  These nervous types inevitably leave a weak and wet impression.

The Two-Fisted Smotherer
You put one hand out, you get two in return. This is an overly generous handshake, a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  When they grab your one hand and smother it in their two, they’re saying you need protection. I’ve seen Mafia bosses shake hands like this but never to an equal. Check you still have your wallet before you leave.

The Bear Hug
Beware of the bear. It lulls you into a false sense of security. You think you’re going in for a shake, but you end up wrapped in a hug.  Fine if you’re the bear’s best friend, not so nice if you’re not.

The Secret Handshake
Designed as a discreet signal to identify membership in a clandestine organisation, the secret handshake is either a fishing expedition to see if you are indeed a member of such an organisation or it’s a means of appearing “cool”.  It’s closely related to….

The Gang Banger
Characterised by convoluted twists and turns, bumps and grinds, this handshake isn’t so much a shake as an entire performance. If you know the routine, it immediately identifies the participating parties as members of the same gang, but begs the question, who wants to be in a gang?

There are myriad other types of handshakes and each of them convey different layers of meaning and intent to the recipients. Is your handshake saying what you want? If any of the above has an overly familiar ring to it, if you have an inkling of identification with it, then either you’re happy to convey an unsavoury first impression or it’s time you learned how to deliver a proper handshake.

1.)     Stand up straight, head erect, shoulders back.
2.)   If palms are damp, surreptitiously wipe on side of trousers or skirt.  For extra security, you could keep your right hand in your pocket until shake time then wipe it against clothes as you withdraw it.
3.)    Smile.
4.)    Look the other person in the eye.  Friendly-like, don’t glare or stare.
5.)    Hold your hand so the palm is facing to the side and your thumb is precisely on top. Your hand should be perfectly vertical. No wavering.
6.)    Step in towards the person you’re addressing.
7.)    Clasp their hand firmly, don’t squeeze. If you’re prone to not knowing your own strength, practice with a couple of ripe bananas. If you squish the bananas, you’re clasping too hard.
8.)    Give a couple of quick shakes then release.
9.)    Step back.

A handshake like this is businesslike, conveying forthrightness and friendliness. If that’s how you want to appear, use it.