The Balancing Act

Forget Cirque du Soleil and children’s birthday party performers,

far and away the best jugglers I know are all working mothers. It takes skill, daring and tenacity to throw all those balls up in the air; it takes dedication, commitment and outstanding time management to keep them there.

It’s flu season and your youngest has the sniffles. What do you do?  You’re giving a major presentation to your company’s biggest client but it means an overnighter on the same night as your daughter’s piano recital. What do you do?  Your ex-husband is late with the child support again and this is the third weekend in a row when he’s failed to pick up the kids. What do you do?

The biggest obstacle in attaining a Work-Life balance is guilt. You feel guilty when you’re at work because your kids are in child care and you find yourself worrying about them all day.  You feel guilty because you’re at home with the kids and all you want to do is sneak away to your office and finish that report you’ve been working on.   Or worse yet, you’ve put in a hard day at work, the kids have been fighting from the moment you got home and you’re too tired to give your husband a goodnight kiss, let alone anything else, so of course you feel guilty about that too.

So where is all this guilt getting you? Exactly nowhere. Unlike other more robust emotions, like anger or jealousy which often prompt us to take action, guilt just sits there festering. It doesn’t compel you to act, there is no hope that guilt will help you make things better. Guilt simply drains your energy so that you feel powerless to change things. So, first on the agenda? Lose the guilt!

You do that by living in the moment, being present in the here and now. When you’re at home with the kids, be there in that moment both physically and mentally. Don’t allow your mind to wander to what you “should” be doing, because the fact of the matter is that you should be exactly where you are. When you’re at work, be there one hundred percent.  Worrying about your children will not help them or you; all worry does is make you less effective for the task at hand. “BUT....!” I hear you cry, “what if......” When “what if” actually happens, you deal with it, but until it does, move on.

It helps to have contingency plans for all those “what if” moments. I don’t mean that you should sit down and think up every disaster imaginable and have a plan of action for each one.  I mean you should have a general plan of action for predictable problems like your child getting a cold and being unable to go to school or day care, or your boss offering you a big advancement opportunity contingent upon doing work you haven’t scheduled.  Knowing what you will do under these circumstances takes the worry out of the equation. You already have it covered, so there’s nothing to worry about. 

Make agreements and stick to them.  If you need to work for an hour after dinner every day but the kids keep interrupting, or fighting, or crying or generally finding other “kid” ways of getting your attention, make a deal with them. If they leave you in peace and quiet for one hour, then they get your undivided attention for the rest of the night. It’s always tempting to over-compensate and bribe them with food, gifts or outings. Avoid this because it sets a nasty precedent that they will exploit because they’re kids and that’s what kids do. Their reward must be your undivided time and attention. When you’re with them, be WITH them.

Teaching the value of time to your children is a great gift; one that will hold them in good stead for the rest of their lives, so plan your time. With a time management plan in place, everyone knows what’s expected of them.  Write up a daily plan on a calendar and put it on the fridge door.  Explain how it works and encourage your children and spouse to add their special events to it.  If you run into conflicting timetables, negotiate. Aim for win/win outcomes. Teaching them to negotiate for time gives them a sense of priorities.

The most important part of any balancing act is the pivot or central point on which the balance depends. If it’s not strong enough, everything falls apart. If it’s not alert enough, all the balls hit the floor.  In this balancing act, you’re the pivot, so look after yourself. Allocate “Me Time” and treat yourself well. Make sure you’re not always sacrificing your personal time to fulfil the needs of others. If you’re not replenishing yourself, giving yourself the luxury of “Me Time”, you’ll run out of resources and will be useless, not only to yourself, but for all those who rely on you to keep juggling. Putting your needs first ensures you’ll remain strong and alert enough to keep all your balls in the air.